I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
You Might Also Like
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Perfect.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.