my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.