Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*