I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
They got a point!
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on