Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.