relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.