My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
titanic
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins