Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
mariah carrie
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.