With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
hackers play passwordle
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”