Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own