My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 馃檪
*later to thugs* They know too much.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I just bought one share of stock. I鈥檓 a finance bro now.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Nice try, NASA
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.