I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.