“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
who will stop them
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp