I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?