Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My Sentiments Exactly
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!