A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.