I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Cause of death: Zumba
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat