The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
you have three unread messages
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese