Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.