Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Said the murderer.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
this is how life feels
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”