Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
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[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
the rocks need my help
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me