I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.