I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
fired
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer