Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.