My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan