My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
You Might Also Like
For the ones in the back.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me as a therapist: omg same
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
time machine? you mean a clock?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh