Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Chemical wingman
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.