The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes