Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.