Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
What’s a Messi?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.