[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*