Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
i did the math
a badder mouse
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.