Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.