Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.