I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
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[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.