Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
You Might Also Like
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.