My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning