People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
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barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?