Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t