Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
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The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
What the hell happened in there??
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I feel this so hard
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off