Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
No. He’s not coming out to play
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
#damn
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
and now we wait