karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber