[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.