I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again