I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
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*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.