If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]