Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.