Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
much to think about
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.