If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Do not steal food from the science building!
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body