“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
😍😂🥰😂😍